jeff heimbrock

old soul, teenage dreams

How To Use Instagram in 15 Easy Steps

1. Pour glass of wine and open Instagram.

2. Check for any recent notifications, because the most important thing on this app is YOU.

3. Scroll through 7-10 posts and **"like" half of them (but be above liking the other ones, ESPECIALLY if you know them in real life).

**"like" anything you don't actually like out of friend obligation, but stay away from "liking" anything you do actually like in fear of social judgment or seeming interested in someone.

4. Watch 1 hour of Instagram stories. If they have more than 5 on the docket- skip to the next victim. If you wanted a three hour show, you'd pop in your DVD of Titanic (which, incidentally, has not left the DVD player).

5. Realize from Instagram story that you were not invited to an event with several of your friends or perhaps your FRIEND'S event. Start mentally clocking the ways your are inadequate. Re-fill wine glass.

6. Understand you are desperate for validation now, scroll through your camera roll and find a half-way decent photo that you can post under the thin guise of a "throwback" photo.

7. Tell yourself you ARE NOT going to look at your notifications; let 'em rack up!

8. Check notifications every 30-45 seconds.

9. Go to Instagram search. There you will find search suggestions of people you DON'T follow but are stalking because you've convinced yourself you're meant to be together and have already found your dream home in Connecticut on Trulia. Check their page like the hapless dog that you are.

10. Head to the Explore page. You're drunk enough now that you don't feel shame liking every beach picture of hot people you don't know, but not drunk enough to avoid feeling like the 4th rate pig at the county fair. Re-fill wine glass.

11. Realize this is all trivial and perhaps life itself is futile and fruitless and maybe you're turning into what Nietzsche called a passive nihilist or maybe you're millennial ennui with life has made you into a borderline clinical depressive but either way you've mastered the art of letting people you either barely know, don't respect, or don't know at all convince you that you are perhaps the 5th rate pig at the county fair or even that you didn't get that far and should be on someone's breakfast sandwich by now.

12. With a newly poured glass of wine (who's counting) head to the follower notifications. Evaluate how your friends are using the app and dodge the point of the feature (exploration) and make it about you...clearly they had time to like all of these OTHER people's posts, just not yours. Feel shame and betrayal. Go to their page and start unliking every photo you've ever liked of theirs, blame your vindictiveness on the wine.

13. Revelations come that your sexy throwback photo was posted too late in the night, which MUST be why you aren't getting the likes you deserve! Delete photo and schedule it for noon tomorrow.

14. Declare out LOUD that you are DONE! with the app for the night and settle down for whatever show someone else told you to watch on Netflix.

15. Wait 20 mins. Repeat steps 1-14.